Butter or Steel — Radiation, Day 10

February 5th — Does this start my downhill slide? Day 10 of radiation and I don’t have any obvious skin changes or other side effects, aside from the underarm stretching from my unusual daily position on the treatment table. I saw Dr. K today to discuss my estrogen levels since I got my period back after seven months of chemo-induced amenorrhea. He recommended chemically blocking my estrogen-production with daily Tamoxifen pills and a monthly shot of Zoladex. There are clinical trials underway to more closely examine the longterm cancer-fighting properties of suppressing estrogen in premenopausal women with triple positive tumors like mine. So, while the clinical data is still controversial, he recommends it. I’ve wanted to suppress my estrogen ever since hearing I had hormone-sensitive tumors, even going so far as wanting to have my ovaries removed, so Dr. K didn’t have to convince me to take this route. He said possible negative consequences are osteoporosis and hot flashes or other menopausal symptoms. I immediately replied, “oh great, am I’m going to lose my sex drive now?” Dr. K laughed at my frankness and we had a good conversation about sex and cancer and hormones and tamoxifen. I’m not really worried. Isn’t it mainly attitude? I think Dr. K was happy to see the old upbeat Amy back since our last few weepy visits. When he first entered the exam room and I smiled at him, he said, “you told me this would happen, didn’t you? You told me you would rally.” We talked a bit about how a life-threatening illness breaks down the superficiality of people and reveals the inner core: is it steel or is it butter? I blithely told him my inner core seems to be made more of butter than steel if my reaction to radiation was any indication. Dr. K wasn’t too fooled by my attempt at self-deprecation. He smiled and said, “really? you think your core is butter and not steel?” I met his calling-you-on-your-bullshit gaze and returned his smile as I said, “no, my core is not butter.”