August 8th — Damned cancer. I can feel myself getting crazier and crazier as the steroid mania starts to take over. I had four hours sleep and was up in the middle of the night with my mind racing. I stayed in bed and watched the clock change minute by minute until hours had passed. Why didn’t I get up and watch House Hunters on HGTV or finish reading My Life in France about Julia Child? Surely those were more productive things to do than lie in bed for two hours and think crazy thoughts. A wise and knowing friend told me weeks ago that no thoughts that anyone has at 4 in the morning are valid. They are always exaggerated and dramatic, whether or not the person has cancer or is hyped up on steroids or just an insomniac. I think that’s good advice. I had hoped to avoid the steroid craziness and my oncologist told me he could reduce my steroid dose with the Taxol/Herceptin round of chemo. However, because of the high rate of allergic reaction to Taxol, he wanted to keep me at the full dose for this first week. I’m glad I didn’t go into anaphylactic shock on Thursday, but I’m paying the price now with the mania. And for those of you who know me well, I don’t need any chemical stimulation to become more crazy or more manic.

On a positive note, I chatted with Dr. K about positive/negative attitudes and cancer since there does seem to be a lot of talk about attitude affecting cancer outcomes. Dr. K reiterated that no cancer patient thought a bad thought and gave themselves cancer, but stress and negativity do play a role in all disease and immune system function. However, he has had patients with good attitudes die and negative patients who think they are about to die any day live another 20-40 years. Dr. K then told me if he had to pick one of his patients right now with the most positive attitude, who always has a smile or a joke or a funny comment, and who seems to be taking this whole journey in stride, it would be Amy Valentine, who comes to see him on Thursdays. I’m sure he tells that to all his patients, but it made me feel good. The sun is now rising so I guess I’ll get up and take a Xanax. I have a whole pharmacy of heavy hitting drugs at my disposal. Why didn’t I think of the Xanax before? I feel better already.