March 6th — What is it about conversations with God at 3 a.m.? I’m sure the ether is filled with questions to the Divine at that hour. What do atheists do with their sleepless hours? I couldn’t get the woman I met while waiting for my oncologist on Thursday out of my head. She was two years out of her treatment for breast cancer and wore her fear wrapped tightly around her. We began a conversation about hair, of course, and I laughed a bit about why is it that cancer patients always seem obsessed with hair when we should be discussing more heady issues like death. This woman recoiled, as if the word itself had the power to come seize her while we spoke, so I immediately changed the subject back to hair. I guess that was kinda shocking. I’m so used to living in my head that I forget that not everyone has my same irreverent approach to cancer. I said a silent prayer for her and probed a bit deeper into her concerns. She was diagnosed at 60, was stage 2, second guessed her decision to have a lumpectomy instead of mastectomy, and is the dreaded triple negative which means she can’t take any hormone suppression therapy to help ward off recurrence. While she feels fine now, she’s terrified of a recurrence. She began telling me how fortunate I was to be triple positive and I laughed inwardly at this woman with a 39 year old son telling me with a 5 and 7 year old at home how lucky I was. I didn’t say anything to her about that except to encourage her that if she doesn’t have a recurrence in the first 6-8 years, she’s pretty much home-free for life. When I chatted with my oncologist, I verified that my information was correct and Dr. K even used the unheard-of word “cured” in reference to someone with triple negative breast cancer who survives 10 years. Ah, but not for me. The triple positives have more options for treatment, but there is no drop-off of the stats for recurrence. I told him to tell the lady from the lobby the good news about her cancer so she doesn’t have so much fear. Would that do it? Probably not. I’m sure Dr. K has told her over and over. Is this woman my future? Right now I’m so wrapped up in finishing radiation and the rest of my treatment that I haven’t had to sit and wear my mortality. Will I shake with fear at my annual oncology checkups?